Our Island Home

One-act musical entertainment by W.S. Gilbert

with music by Thomas German Reed

including three "missing" lyrics,

as first published in Jane W. Stedman's article

"Three New Gilbert Lyrics", published in

Bulletin of the New York Public Library, vol 74 (1970), pp629-633.

Characters

Mrs. German Reed

Mr. German Reed

Miss Fanny Holland

Mr. Arthur Cecil

Captain Bang ... A Pirate chief (later Edward [Alfred] Reed)

SCENE: The shore of an Island in the Indian Ocean -the left of the platform is covered with luxurious tropical vegetation - the right is barren, and rocky. A portion of the rock (R.) is covered with matting.

MRS. REED is discovered on a rock, dressed in fantastic but picturesque clothing of leaves.

MRS. R Three dreary months have passed away and yet we starve on this uncomfortable piece of rock. Three months have passed since Mr. Reed and I together with Miss Fanny Holland and that fiend incarnate, young Arthur Cecil, were by the Captain of the “Hot Cross Bun” upon this hateful isle deposited.Oh, I have borne such wrongs since I've been here, such infamies, such cruel injustices, at Mr. Cecil's hands that I could tear his evil eyes from their abiding place - well, well - no matter - but a time will come. In the meantime we will dissemble, Sir, as best we may. What ho there. Mr. Reed.

REED (without). Yes, my dear!

MRS. R Is anything in sight?

REED. Nothing, my dear!

MRS. R. You may come down. He has been perched upon that bad eminence six hours and thirty minutes, a little rest perhaps will do him good. In twenty minutes up he goes again.

(Mr. Reed clambers down rock.)

REED. Twenty minutes more and up I go again. Mrs. Reed - mercy!

MRS. R. Never.

REED. The air is cold up there, and the rocks cut like razors.

MRS. R. Your duty is to keep a sharp look-out.

REED. There's no doubt about its sharpness. Moody woman, will nothing touch your heart?

MRS. R. Nothing-you have yourself to blame for all. Aye, Sir, yourself, yourself, yourself and several times yourself that is, if you can be indeed yourself who are so frequently beside yourself.

REED. But my dear, consider; it wasn't my idea to go on an Asiatic tour with “Ages Ago.”

MRS. R. In truth that fortunate idea was mine.

REED. And coming home in the steamship after a profitable season was it I who insisted on playing “Ages Ago” in the Chief Cabin every evening till the passengers could stand it no longer and petitioned the Captain to put us all on shore on the first island he came to - Certainly not! It was your idea and you compelled me to carry it out. I expostulated but you insisted; when you do insist-oh Lord!

MRS. R. Enough of this recrimination, Sir, and understand me, German, once for all. You are my lord and master - yours the right to check a weak and inexperienced wife when she suggests an injudicious course (shaking him). You are a man; I, a weak woman, sir-your humble, truthful, timid little wife. You should exercise your influence to check me in my injudicious wish e'en to the length of physical treatment.

REED. My dear, I didn't think you'd like it.

MRS. R. Like! Ha, ha! like it? I do like that! What invalid likes medicine? Like it? Why, what matters that if it were good for me.

REED. (meekly) Yes my dear, but I did remonstrate and you threatened to get the Captain to put me in irons-that's all! You're very hard on me - you insist on making all arrangements yourself, and then you blame me when things turn out badly. It is all your fault that Arthur Cecil has the only part of the island on which anything will grow, for his share, while you and Miss Holland and I have to live on a barren rock and are entirely dependent on him for everything we eat.

MRS. R. I shared the island, Sir, in equal fourths. One fourth I gave you, and one other fourth I gave Miss Holland; one I took myself- and the remaining portion I assigned to that black-hearted monster, Arthur Cecil. This very just arrangement I designed when I imagined this isle was all rock - as our three fourths unfortunately are, and little dreamt the fourth that I assigned to Cecil was an Eastern Paradise, teeming with fruitful life of every kind, game of all kinds and Cochin China fowls - his shores abounding with the choicest fish - his beach encrusted with the rarest molluscs, fine Aldermanic turtle, oysters, too, and the retiring periwink, while these our shores are naked as your hand - our pebble beach as hard as your heart - our glassy seas as empty as your head! I am a weak and trembling girl, unfitted quite to combat with the world. You are a man - my husband - it was yours to check my wayward whim and set me right.

REED. Yes, go on, we are entirely dependent on him for everything we eat, and I did it all. He finds out what particular food we hate and feeds us on it, and I'm responsible. He makes us to sing carols to wake him in the morning, and it's my fault. He insists upon your speaking to him in blank verse, and it's all owing to me. He insists upon my keeping up perpetual conversation with him in rhyme, and I've no one to blame but myself. He compels Miss Holland to address him in recitatives, and I'm entirely to blame. Go on at me, I've no friends -

MRS. R. Rebellious insolent! Come, up you go. Resume your post this instant, sirrah, or -

REED. (on his knees). Forgive me - I apologise - I entreat - I'll say anything if you'll only let me stop and take my chance of what Arthur Cecil may give us for breakfast. I've eaten nothing since the day before yesterday, and I'm getting a little faint. Ha! here's Miss Holland. Good morning, Miss Holland. (Enter Miss Holland with extemporised breakfast tray, and breakfast.) And what have you got there?

MISS H. Ah, this is Mr. Cecil's breakfast - coconut milk, plover’s eggs, fried soles, turtle fin, two pounds of ham, fourteen pork chops, and a roast pheasant. Don't it smell nice?

MRS. R (moodily) In truth the viands have a goodly savour. Stay, think you that when eating pheasant men are prone to count the legs?

MISS H. Eh? How do you mean?

MRS. R. A pheasant, Miss, has two legs. Suppose we say (for sake of argument) its legs are two. If one were taken from it, do you think its absence would be noted?

MISS H. Oh, I'm sure it would - I wouldn't hear of such a thing. He feeds me on coconuts and bread fruit on condition that I cook his meals and if I allowed his breakfast to be tampered with it would be more than my place is worth.

REED. But you can explain that the pheasant had met with an accident - that it was a cripple - that it has been run over by an omnibus and wore a wooden leg-anything-for we are so hungry.

MISS H. Quite out of the question, but what's the matter with Mrs. Reed?

REED. Mrs. Reed has been talking blank verse all day and she's quite exhausted.

MISS H. But why does she talk blank verse when Mr. Cecil isn't here?

REED. By way of keeping her hand in. She's always bothering me to talk rhyme when we are alone by way of keeping my hand in, but fortunately I have a wonderful gift of improvising and I've no occasion to practise.

MISS H. As for my recitation I take my chance about that. But it is time to wake the monster, and his breakfast is getting cold.

REED. Well, I've written a new carol for him - he makes us wake him with a new carol every morning. Here are the parts - now then all ready! (To Cecil's tent.) Oh you double-dyed scoundrel!

CAROL.

Rise, pretty one, awaken,

The night hath departed.

By thee our loved one forsaken,

We sigh broken-hearted.

O'er thee now, our treasure,

A vigil we're keeping,

And earth has no pleasure

While, dearest, thou'rt sleeping.

Her gay song in the heavens

The lark is outpouring;

But want of thee now leavens

The joy of her soaring.

The sun that adores thee

In cloudrack is frowning;

The daybreak implores thee

To hasten its crowning.

(Mr. Cecil comes from his tent yawning.)

CECIL. That'll do, good people - bless you. Now, Miss Holland, breakfast.

REED. But how about our breakfast? We have eaten nothing for two days.

CECIL. I thought I told you always to address me in rhyme.

REED. Oh I beg pardon. Let's see -

We feel particularly hung(a)ry

And we should like a - a - a slice of Kungary.

CECIL. Kungary? Don't keep it.

REED. (explaining) Kangaroo.

CECIL. You said Kungary.

REED. Yes, local accent.

CECIL. Oh indeed? No, I can't spare you any Kangaroo. Do you like oysters?

REED. Ugh! I can't bear oysters.

CECIL. Rhyme -

REED. Keep 'em, and give 'em to - to - to - monks in cloisters.

MRS. R. I cannot touch an oyster - never could.

Of all the shelly tribe an oyster is

The mollusc I do most abominate.

And when old age electrotypes my hair

With bands of silver-

CECIL. Very good fine metaphor.

MRS. R (haughtily). I thank you, Sir!

- electrotypes my hair

With bands of silver, I shall hate it still.

MISS H. (sings).

I stand out for my share

Of womanly assertion,

And oysters I declare

Have been my pet aversion.

I've heard that oysters crossed in love may be,

And oysters I from babyhood have hated;

So should an oyster fall in love with me,

ALL. She's (I’ve) heard that oysters, etc.

CECIL. Ha, that's unfortunate, for I've just discovered a bed of the very finest natives, and I intend to devote them to your exclusive sustenance.

MRS. R. This is too much! Tyrant! thine hour has come -

We throw off once for all thy hated yoke.

No more we crouch beneath thy tyrant will.

And Mr. Reed, Miss Holland, and myself

Resume once more the attitude of man.

CECIL. (aside). This is a crisis. Now, my favourite orb, this time to work thy spell.

(He glares sternly at them - they quail.)

MRS. R. Ha! Ha! that eye!

(Mrs. Reed glides off and Mr. Reed falls against a rock,

overpowered by the brilliancy of Cecil’s eye.)

DUET.

MISS H. Oh Mr. Cecil, Sir, how can you?

Behold my tears, they should unman you.

And when the tear-drop in the eye

Is supplemented with a sigh,

A man must be devoid of feeling

Who can resist such mute appealing.

CECIL. Since England faded from my Dolland,

By Reed and Mrs. Reed, Miss Holland,

I've been invariably snubbed,

Against the grain most cruelly rubbed.

They've sowed their crop and they must reap it.

I've made a vow and I will keep it;

When e'er I think of it, I rage, I fume!

MISS H. From your emphatic manner I presume

You have some grievance, Sir.

CECIL. Precisely, Miss - I have a grievance.

MISS H. What's its nature?

CECIL. At all the best hotels and inns

I've spent enormous sums

While you have stayed with Mandarins

With Rajahs and Begums;

With Emperors and Royal Swells

You've managed all to stop

While I devoured in lone hotels

My solitary chop!

MISS H. But Emperors are hollow joys

And Mandarins are snares;

A Begum very quickly cloys,

She gives herself such airs.

You ask me why to kingly halls

Yourself we didn't bring?

We heard you were a Radical

That couldn't bear a King.

CECIL. However, my turn has come now and I mean to make the most of it. This is a pleasant life, Miss Holland.

MISS H. (recitative).

I'm glad you like it- ah how glad!

But 'tis a life of which a little

Goes a long- long - long, long way.

CECIL. There's an easy abandon about this island life that suits me down to the ground. Lovely climate - plenty to eat and drink - nothing to do except to eat and drink it - three intelligent persons to amuse me - no Gallery of Illustration - and nothing to pay.

MISS H. (recitative).

And yet I've heard you sigh, I've seen you weep;

I've seen you plunged in meditation deep,

Ah me! how often.

And I've said when I have heard you sigh

And seen the tear-drop glisten in your eye,

His heart will soften.

CECIL. (aside) Shall I confide in her? She seems sympathetic - I will! (to Miss H.) Listen. I am the victim of a hopeless passion.

MISS H. A hopeless passion? How romantic!

CECIL. Yes - do you like anchovy with fish?

MISS H. Yes, pretty well. (aside) What a strange question!

CECIL. I adore anchovy sauce. Every day it occupies my thoughts; every night I dream that I am a young man at Burgess's, dwelling so to speak in a harem of anchovy sauce. But why should I intrude my sorrows on you? The subject is a painful one. - Talking of fish, you have cooked this sole like a Francatelli.

MISS H. (recitative).

I'm glad you like it,

Very, very, very glad.

(aside) Oh, Monster!

CECIL. And by way of recompense I'll dispense with recitative at present.

MISS H. Very well and now that I'm allowed the free use of my tongue, allow me to express my opinion of your conduct towards us and let me tell you I think it is simply infamous. It is barbarous, monstrous, utterly and unspeakably monstrous. Now that's what I think of you and you may make the most of it. (aside) Ha! that eye!

(He gaze's sternly at her, and she quails.)

CECIL. (aside). My favourite orb has done it’s duty well.

MISS H. Mysterious man, what is the secret of the influence that attaches to that extraordinary eye? Its wild lustre dazzles me. (As if fascinated.) Oh, thou mysterious orb.

CECIL. (aside). She little thinks that it is a glass one.

REED. (from above). Hallo! all of you!

(Enter Mrs. Reed.)

MRS. R. What's the matter? Anything in sight?

REED. Yes.

MRS. R. A sail! A sail! We are saved! saved!

TRIO.

Hurrah, a sail!

Blow, gentle gale,

And fan it to our shore;

Upon this isle

In savage style

We rusticate no more.

Our troubles end,

And we shall spend

This night on yonder ship;

We'll celebrate

Our happy fate

With hip! hip! hip! hip! hip! Hurrah!

(Reed has descended during this trio and gazes on them in astonishment.)

REED. I didn't say there was a sail in sight, my dear. I said there was something. It isn't a sail, it's a cask, apparently a provision cask, which is floating to our shores.

MRS. R. (to Cecil) Mind, if it's cast upon our shores, the cask belongs to us.

CECIL. Certainly and to me if it is cast upon my shores.

MRS. R. Agreed! (The cask is seen floating in the distance.)

QUARTETTE ("Cask Catch")

Come hither, cask,

'Tis all I ask;

Come here, come here,

Oh, do not fear

(If good for food)

That you'll intrude.

(After Quartette, the cask is cast on Reed's share.)

REED. It's ours. (He rolls it on shore.)

MRS. R. Now, Minion, the days of thy oppressive dynasty are numbered. At last we are independent of thee.

CECIL. I beg your pardon, but will you celebrate your freedom in blank verse as per agreement.

MRS. R. Never!

CECIL. This is rebellion.

MRS. R. It is!

CECIL. Let me understand what you want. Now pray be distinct.

MRS. R. I will be distinct - so distinct!

(They wag their heads.)

CECIL. Their manner is very extraordinary. It cannot be that anything has disagreed with them. I must again resort to my invaluable eye.

(Melodramatic stare as before.)

MRS. R. Ha! ha! I anticipated it. We are prepared.

(Mr. and Mrs. Reed and Miss Holland put on green spectacles

and return his stare without shrinking.)

CECIL. Ha! Baffled!

MRS. R. The spell's broken - we are free.

REED. But, my dear, consider. Isn't it rather rash to -

MISS H. Don't interfere, Mr. Reed. You know you're always in the wrong.

REED. But-

MRS. R. Silence, sir. We may now be free. This cask contains provision enough to last us a month; before that time has elapsed a vessel will have sighted us and we shall be saved.

REED. But allow me, my dear, to suggest -

MRS. R. Will you be quiet, sir! (Shaking him) We are no longer dependent for the food we eat on the whims of a capricious tyrant. We are free agents, disestablished, and we hereby renounce all allegiance to him. (Mr. Reed’s head in the cask)

REED. But-

MRS. R. Will you do as I order you! Meat, meat, meat in abundance, meat for breakfast, meat for dinner, meat for tea! Oh, we will have such meals! (Reed stares in the head of the cask)

MRS. R. What is it?

REED. Anchovy sauce.

CECIL. Ah! Can it be?

MRS. R. Well, Mr. Reed, a nice mess you've made of this.

REED. I've made of this! Come, I like that!

MRS. R. Upon my word, Mr. Reed, you've involved us in a very pretty predicament.

REED. I involved you, my dear? You did it all yourself.

MISS H. And pray, Mr. Reed, I should like to know whether you expect Mrs. Reed and myself to live for a month on nothing but anchovy sauce.

REED. But you would declare our independence before you knew what was in the cask.

MRS. R. I would! I would! And pray what were you about all the while you allowed me to do so? I am a mere woman, a poor, weak, helpless woman. If I make mistakes it is your duty in right of your superior knowledge of the world to correct me.

REED. My dear, I said it was injudicious.

MRS. R. You said - words - words. Pitiful man, you should have acted; you should have choked my mouth when you heard me making injudicious remarks, and if that had not the effect of stopping me, you should have carried me bodily away.

(In the meantime Cecil has been tasting the anchovy as an

epicure tasting curious old port.)

CECIL. (aside) Admirable-the bouquet is perfect. (aloud) Stop, I have a suggestion. You have a cask of anchovy sauce, I will purchase a quart of it with any produce my share of the island supplies.

REED. Agreed!

MRS. R. Stop! Mr. Reed, how dare you interfere? Leave this to me. (to Cecil) No sir, we are not retail traders - the whole cask or none.

CECIL. Good. How much?

MRS. R. Our terms are these - we exchange shares of this island. You take our shares, we take yours.

REED. But, my dear, now don't be rash.

MISS H. There you are, Mr. Reed, you must interfere. Mrs. Reed is quite able to take care of herself.

MRS. R. We must have full control over all the produce of your shares; you may have full control over the barrel of anchovy sauce. Moreover, we will undertake to supply you with any animal or vegetable food you may require.

REED. Mrs. Reed, I must protest against our entering into this agreement rashly.

MRS. R. Silence, sir; attend to your own business and leave me to manage mine.

CECIL. Are these your unalterable terms -

MRS. R. They are.

CECIL. I agree on one condition - that you surrender those green spectacles.

MRS. R. Good. There they are. (Hands them over.)

REED. Oh, but I say, you know -

MRS. R. Silence, sir, the thing is done, and we take possession. Mr. Reed, you will call every day on Mr. Cecil for orders.

(They take formal possession of Cecil's share; he takes theirs.)

QUARTETTE.

CECIL. Memorandum of agreement

Made and entered into

This 20th of July

Eighteen hundred and seventy

Whereby, Whereby

Arthur Cecil agrees to let

And German Reed agrees to take

All that messuage and dwelling house

To have and to hold for all the while

They stay upon the balmy isle,

Where the palm trees smile

And the welcome breeze from the Indian seas

Plays in the leaves of the banyan trees,

Where the ring-tailed coon and the kangaroo

Play with comb of the cockatoo,

And custard fruits our locks anoint---

But this--but this--is not the point.

REED. And German Reed

Will now endorse upon the deed, some cogent lines

For him and his executors, administrators and assigns

To Arthur Cecil and the lads

Heirs, assigns, and Ex and Ads,

Free of customs dues and loss

A barrel of Anchovy sauce.

CECIL. Anchovy sauce,

Delightful zest,

It is the relish

I love best,

With chop or steak

Or fish or joint--

But this is not,

Is not to the point.

REED. Now to the bargain this reveals

You'll please to set your hands and seals.

Come quickly execute the deed.

(Business of signing.)

[ALL.?] 'Tis done and we hold it for the while

We stay on the balmy isle

Where the palm trees----and so on.

(After Quartette, exeunt Mr. and Mrs. Reed and Miss Holland.)

CECIL. Here I am at last in undisputed possession of a cask of my only weakness - a whole cask of anchovy sauce. What a treat to a man whose views of anchovy have hitherto been limited to half pint bottles and cruet stands. Shall I draw it as I want it from the wood, or bottle it off and lay it down against my sons' (if ever I have any) Coming of age? I will think it over.

(Enter Reed as a butcher.)

REED. Cher!

CECIL. (startled). Eh!

REED. Cher! Any orders?

CECIL. Oh, you're the butcher. Yes, very good - let me see - what have you got today?

REED. Very nice wild pig, sir. Have a haunch of wild pig? Kangaroo steaks, sir.

CECIL. Any monkey?

REED. No monkey today, sir. Just out of monkey - plenty next week. We kill a very fine gorilla this afternoon. Shall I put you down a leg to salt?

CECIL. Well, yes, for this day week; and today I'll have kangaroo ham, and you say you have wild pig?

REED. Very fine wild pig, sir.

CECIL. Then I'll have some wild pork chops - six.

REED. Very good, sir. Anything else?

CECIL. Oh yes, some coconut milk and butter.

REED. Beg pardon, sir, very sorry - but that's the milkman. I'm the butcher.

CECIL. Oh to be sure - well, that's all today. Good morning.

REED. Good morning, sir. (shouts) Miau! Miau! (as milkman).